October 22, 2014
some addictions are not as overtly destructive as others, and yet, they still are.

some addictions are not as overtly destructive as others, and yet, they still are.

October 21, 2014
at first you are enthusiastic, ambitious, confident. then you go out and realize that things are way more complicated, and difficult than everyone told you, so you struggle and work hard and try to wrap your head around it all. you think, eventually, after all this work, things will start to make sense. things don’t start making sense. if anything, things become less and less clear as you progress. you move around several times for college and lose friends in batches as you make them, but in comparison with your childhood this all seems pretty routine.  relationships fall through or fail to launch.  an acute tunnelvision starts to form around your goals. you find yourself being dismissive and passing up opportunities to meet people or hang out with friends.  you try to be friendly and cheerful day to day but any glimmer of sincere happiness has disappeared in a completely neutral fog, and people tell you that you seem cold and distant all the time.  that is exactly how you feel. but it still hurts to hear people tell you that, you do try after all. your family leaves you, or you leave your family, or most precisely, your family leaves itself. it explodes like a grenade and scatters its pieces across the country. you don’t know how to fix this. Some things you can solve by exercising more, but this is out of reach. none of the pieces would want to reassemble even if you offered them the chance. how are you supposed to ever understand what family or love is if the one you started with is so fundamentally broken but still eternally part of who you are. it’s them, but it’s also you, and so you feel worse. patterns from your family during your childhood reappear in your relationships and this confirms your suspicion that everything you hated about them is you, and this is so deeply entrenched in yourself that you are only just realizing it, and if that is the case then how could you ever hope to change? escape? you try to empathize with people on a regular basis. you think this is part of becoming a better person. you try to care about how other people feel. you can barely figure out how you feel. you are completely numb.

at first you are enthusiastic, ambitious, confident. then you go out and realize that things are way more complicated, and difficult than everyone told you, so you struggle and work hard and try to wrap your head around it all. you think, eventually, after all this work, things will start to make sense. things don’t start making sense. if anything, things become less and less clear as you progress. you move around several times for college and lose friends in batches as you make them, but in comparison with your childhood this all seems pretty routine.  relationships fall through or fail to launch.  an acute tunnelvision starts to form around your goals. you find yourself being dismissive and passing up opportunities to meet people or hang out with friends.  you try to be friendly and cheerful day to day but any glimmer of sincere happiness has disappeared in a completely neutral fog, and people tell you that you seem cold and distant all the time.  that is exactly how you feel. but it still hurts to hear people tell you that, you do try after all. your family leaves you, or you leave your family, or most precisely, your family leaves itself. it explodes like a grenade and scatters its pieces across the country. you don’t know how to fix this. Some things you can solve by exercising more, but this is out of reach. none of the pieces would want to reassemble even if you offered them the chance. how are you supposed to ever understand what family or love is if the one you started with is so fundamentally broken but still eternally part of who you are. it’s them, but it’s also you, and so you feel worse. patterns from your family during your childhood reappear in your relationships and this confirms your suspicion that everything you hated about them is you, and this is so deeply entrenched in yourself that you are only just realizing it, and if that is the case then how could you ever hope to change? escape? you try to empathize with people on a regular basis. you think this is part of becoming a better person. you try to care about how other people feel. you can barely figure out how you feel. you are completely numb.

October 11, 2014

October 9, 2014

(Source: if9j9)

October 9, 2014

(Source: if9j9)

October 5, 2014
jealousy

jealousy

(Source: if9j9)

October 5, 2014
invisibility cloak

invisibility cloak

October 4, 2014

(Source: if9j9)

October 2, 2014

October 2, 2014

September 30, 2014

details of photos containing hands by Daido Moriyama

September 30, 2014

details of photos containing hands by Daido Moriyama

September 30, 2014

my friend to me, without knowing I have a tumblr:

"You’re probably one of those people who participates in some obscure tumblr community."

September 28, 2014

September 28, 2014

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